It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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