evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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