And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
