the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
