I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
