Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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