Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
