it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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