I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
