I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
