Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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