i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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