I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize