i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize