So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
