if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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