Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
