He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize