Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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