I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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