counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
