So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
