Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this beer tastes like vomit already
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
