I wish my penis had an off switch
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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