May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
