and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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