So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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