Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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