OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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