Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
