So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
