Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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