there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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