i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
