You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
3pm strippers are depressing
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
