my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
