I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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