WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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