it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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