my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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