Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
