I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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