go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
