Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
