Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
