Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
