I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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