there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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