please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
