i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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