My sheets look like a crime scene.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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