What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
