i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
