not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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