Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
