There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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