I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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