cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
