Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize