He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
