Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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