If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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