Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize