I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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