she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
